Well now as Tyson is growing I am finding parenting harder and harder! There are so many choices and options. Wean or breastfeed? Negitive reinforcement or ignore? And it goes on... I am just praying about what is right my son. I love him and just want him to be what our Heavenly Father intended. {Any tips!?!}
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I decided to breastfeed until either James was ready to wean or I got pregnant again. Lucky for me, it turned out that those were both at the same time. I had prepared him for it though by slowly introducing cows milk at 12 months. I began by replacing one feeding. Lucky again for me, he liked cows milk and had no allergies to it. After a few months, I replaced another feeding with cows milk, though I still nursed James whenever he asked for it.
When he was about 16 1/2 months, I found out I was pregnant--and also found out that the nursing hormones and the pregnancy hormones were a terrible mix for me. I was a wreck. I took one week to wean him the rest of the way. After that, whenever he asked, we just give him milk. He liked the independence of his sippy cup, and after two days of not nursing, he never asked for it again.
I was very sad to give it up, but as the nursing hormones cleared out, my mental and emotional well-being improved a bunch. Some women can nurse through out their pregnancy; I can't.
About reinforcing negative behavior, you just got to show some tough love. You also need to choose your battles. If you pay attention, you will be able to tell if he is just throwing a tantrum or if he is crying because he really needs you. If he needs you, go to him, love him, comfort him. But if it's a tantrum, the only real way to get them to stop is to not give into his demands--even if it was something you wanted to give him in the first place.
Example: when James would get really exciting about some food I was going to give him, he'd start begging and throwing a fit because I wasn't giving it to him fast enough or he hadn't realized I intended to give it to him in the first place. Instead of reinforcing his behavior by giving him the food, I'd withhold it. I'd ask him to say please (we taught him the sign), and if he calmed down and signed please, I'd give it to him; but if he continued to cry and throw a fit, I took it away. It was tough, because I really wanted him to eat, but I wanted more for the behavior to stop. He is a lot better now--he might start to whine, if I ask him to say please, he calms right down, signs please and gets a big smile on his face.
As Tyson gets a little older (closer to 18-months, though it really depends on the child), you probably will need to start using timeouts. The information sheet I received from my doctor at James 15-month appointment (prepared by Children's Mercy, I believe), suggested using 1-minute timeouts (or 1-minute/year of child's age). Some parents will do timeouts by holding the child in their lap, by putting them in their room, or by designating a "timeout chair." The key is to be consistent, and to put the kid in timeout directly after he preforms the bad behavior. He needs a clear connection between the behavior and the punishment. Tell him what he did wrong (e.g., "No throwing cars") as you put him in timeout. After the minute is up, give him a hug and reassure him that you love him, but to not do the wrong behavior again.
Be selective of which behaviors you want to modify. Work on one or two behaviors at a time until they are mastered and then move on to others. If your child is constantly in timeout, it's not going to mean much to him for very long, and he might start acting out more in rebellion. Remember, kids need their autonomy.
Example: After experimenting with different ways to do timeouts, we found the "timeout chair" works best for James. I designated two chairs, one upstairs and one downstairs, as timeout chairs. When he earns a timeout, we take him to the closet chair, stay in the room with him and watch the clock. At the end of the minute, we tell him he can get out now, and he runs over and gives us a hug. We began using the timeouts to get him to stop throwing cars (especially at people--ouch!) and to stop climbing on tables (that kid has no fear). He now seems to have a pretty good understanding of which toys he can throw (like the soft balls) and which ones he can't. It didn't take too long. He still gets up on the table, but not near as often. Most of the time, all he needs is a verbal reminder and he stops.
Another method you can use besides timeouts, is to take away the object of their misbehavior. Example: If Tyson throws a toy that could hurt someone, take it away; if Tyson throws his food on the floor, dinner is over for him, even if he is still hungry (though if the child is going through a phase where he's losing weight and you can't get him to eat hardly anything [like when he's teething], a timeout may be preferable). Again, choose your battles.
Remember to be consistent. If you say to Tyson, "If you do that one more time, you are getting a timeout," and he does it again, follow through with what you said you'd do. Otherwise, he'll grow up not taking you seriously--and when you do follow through, you'll suddenly be the biggest monster ever, because he's expectation was that you'd let him off the hook.
Finally, and most importantly, make sure you give him lots of positive reinforcement (like praise) for what he is doing right. Marriage expert John Gottman came up with the "magic" 5-1 ratio of positive to negative comments needed to keep marriages strong (i.e., for every negative thing you say to your spouse, you should say at least 5 positive things). I think this ratio applies to our children as well. They need lots of love, adoration, and praise. These things will help them feel securely attached to us, and be more willing to let us lead them. Sure, they'll continue to test the boundaries--mostly to make sure they are still there--but if you are consistent will your discipline, and show a lot of love, they'll be happier, and so will you.
Hey Natashia, I agree, so many choices. I feel the same way several times a day. I guess all I can say is go with whatever feels right for you. For me, it was right to stop breastfeeing when Camilla was 9 months. I had come to the point when I did not enjoy it anymore, so I stopped. So see what works for you. Good luck!
Ps I just tagged you on my blog!
totally true. you have to do what is best for you and your baby.
as for discipline, we are totally trying to figure that out as well. it's hard.
I have no personal experience as a Mom, so you of course are the expert, however I did work all last year as a therapist for children and adolescents and did a ton of parent training. One of the most valuable things I found last year and shared with my clients was this book -- How to talk so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk by Faber & Mazlish. I would definitely recommend it. It's an easy read, cheap, and is a beautiful way to strengthen all relationships (not just with a child). If you get it lemme know what you think. Also, got Twilight, thanks :)
My favorite parenting tip is to read Dr. William Sears. I love his parenting style, it just feels right to me. They have a bunch of his books at the library. Good luck! I think you are already a great mom.
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